


Love Untouched

by jjongorable



Category: VIXX
Genre: I took some liberties with character personalities, M/M, OT6, Polyamory, but it's really not that bad, but they're cute mostly, i don't know how they manage, like at all, like i mean...i know the summary looks daunting, non-au, the boys are dense and sometimes stupid, this is really soft angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-21 18:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15563367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjongorable/pseuds/jjongorable
Summary: Hakyeon doesn’t want to let the years to go to waste. But if the other members decide they don’t want to be with him anymore, then who is he to hold on to something already gone?





	Love Untouched

**Author's Note:**

> I loved writing this (before i wanted to start pulling my hair out)

The way Hakyeon kept his hands tightly clasped behind his back was unusual but not enough to make Sanghyuk think anything was wrong. Neither was the way he took three large, unnecessary steps to avoid bumping into Jaehwan who was entertaining Wonsik with a poor imitation of some actress or other.

It wasn't until a few days later, when Sanghyuk caught Hakyeon's hand hovering over a sleeping Hongbin’s head in his lap, that he had a passing thought that maybe something was a bit off. But it was gone as quick as it took for Taekwoon to come plop himself in Sanghyuk's lap and softly demand his full attention. Then, Sanghyuk's caught up in small lips and strong thighs, only thoughts of Taekwoon's tongue travelling places it probably shouldn't pushing out any worries he might have had before. Sanghyuk can only concentrate on so much at one time, and Taekwoon likes to give his all.

…

It's late when Sanghyuk comes home one day to Hakyeon alone in the kitchen. He's shirtless and glaring at a pot on the stove. Sanghyuk just came from exercising and he's hungry and worked up and Hakyeon’s back muscles are contracting in all the ways that Sanghyuk loves to run his hands over just to feel how Hakyeon moves. Sanghyuk makes his way towards him silently, coming right up behind him before speaking.

“Smells good.” Hakyeon's startled jump is almost satisfying enough to Sanghyuk, but he still expects more as Hakyeon turns around to glare at him.

“It's just boiled water.” Hakyeon responds, and Sanghyuk wants so bad to kiss the confused frown off his face but he takes a step away from Sanghyuk, turning away to open the spice cabinet.

“I didn't mean the food, hyung.” Sanghyuk lowers his voice to a level where Hakyeon would have to be incredibly dense not to know what he’s getting at. But Hakyeon is anything but stupid.

Sanghyuk comes up again, wraps an arm around Hakyeon’s waist and pulls him till there’s not even a centimeter of space between their two bodies. He relishes in the way Hakyeon melts into his chest, a small sigh escaping his lips. He’s cute like this, somehow tiny against Sanghyuk’s larger form.

“How was your day?” It's Sanghyuk's roundabout way of asking if there's anything wrong as he feathers light kisses up and down Hakyeon’s bare neck. He rests his lips just over Hakyeon’s pulse and feels it beating just a little too quick. It’s the reaction he wants.

There’s a strain in Hakyeon’s voice as he tries to answer. Perfect. “It was fine. I finished my schedule early.” Sanghyuk brings a hand up to brush through Hakyeon’s hair. It’s still wet from the shower he must’ve taken when he got home. “No one else is home yet so I thought I'd start dinner.”

“Or,” Sanghyuk stops messing with Hakyeon’s hair and trails his hand down his arm instead, lets Hakyeon’s disappointed whimper soak into every pore of his skin. “You can let everyone make their own meals when they get here.” Sanghyuk knows he’s got Hakyeon in the headspace he wants as he whispers in his ear, making sure his breath hits all the right places that will make Hakyeon turn around and finally kiss him breathless.

But Hakyeon coughs in an effort to clear his throat and steps out of Sanghyuk’s reach. “No, I don't mind.” He’s pointedly avoiding Sanghyuk’s eyes and focuses intently on the pot of water on the stove.

 “Hyung – ”

“Jaehwan will be home soon.” Sanghyuk hears the intent in the hardness of Hakyeon’s voice, but he doesn’t want Jaehwan. He wants Hakyeon, and he can’t keep his lips from forming a pout that Hakyeon can’t even see.

“You should go shower.” It sounds less like a suggestion and more of an order to Sanghyuk and his pout deepens. He doesn’t keep the whine out of his voice either when he says ‘ _okay’_ and saunters out of the kitchen.

Sanghyuk didn’t want to wait for Jaehwan to get home. Especially not when his body still wanted Hakyeon. The memory of his bare back flush against Sanghyuk's chest remained and the sound of his soft whines still echoed in Sanghyuk's ears as he lets the hot water help him relieve his tension.

Sanghyuk makes sure to make his moans extra loud for Hakyeon. And when he comes out to find Hakyeon sitting on their couch, a pillow pressed firmly in his lap and his face flushed, that’s when Sanghyuk really lets it settle that there might be a problem.

  

* * *

 

 

Taekwoon folds his arms and stares at Wonsik from across the room with a look he hopes shows that he saw what happened and that he is unimpressed.

Hongbin pokes at Taekwoon’s elbow, making him drop his gaze. Hongbin’s eyes are wide, but it’s not like this is anything new. Quite frankly, Wonsik’s antics at interviews have gotten old and he really should know better.

“Did you see that?” Hongbin whispers and he almost sounds like he’s in disbelief. Which is odd to Taekwoon, because if anyone would be understanding of Wonsik’s ways it’s Hongbin.

Taekwoon looks away and tries to catch Wonsik’s eyes again. More glaring is in order. “I did.”

“Why would he –”

“I don’t know.” Taekwoon run his hand through his hair and stand up a little straighter, full height to make himself more intimidating. “I’m gonna go check on Hakyeon. You go find out what turned that _idiot_ stupid today.” Taekwoon jerks his head in Wonsik’s direction before heading to the restroom. It’s where Hakyeon choked out he was going when the director told them they’d be taking a five-minute break.

It’s been three minutes since and he still hasn’t returned which is not a good sign. Meanwhile, Wonsik is joking with Jaehwan and the MC as if he wasn’t just the biggest ass of the day.

“Fucking Wonsik.” Taekwoon mumbles, just as he reaches the door to the men’s restroom. He hesitates a bit, unsure in what state of despair he’s going to find Hakyeon. But after a second of reminding himself that he won’t know till he opens the door, he walks in.

Hakyeon is at the sink, washing his hands, seemingly fine. He jolts a little when he sees Taekwoon’s reflection in the mirror, but he smiles nonetheless. It’s his leader smile, the one he uses when he knows the members are worried about him. The one that makes them all worry more rather than less because they’ve been with Hakyeon long enough to know it’s bullshit.

“You know he didn’t mean it.” Taekwoon doesn’t want to beat around the bush and he knows Hakyeon understands what he’s talking about anyway with the way his smile falters and he ducks his head. “Wonsik just doesn’t think sometimes. Most times.”

That pulls a small laugh out of Hakyeon as he dries his hands and it makes Taekwoon’s heart a little lighter. When Hakyeon is close enough, Taekwoon reaches to stop him from walking out, pretends that he didn’t notice how Hakyeon made the tiniest movement to get away before allowing Taekwoon to kiss his forehead.

“I’m sorry he was an ass.” Taekwoon waits for Hakyeon to grab onto his elbow like he always does when they’re like this, but he doesn’t. He just steps back out of Taekwoon’s reach and tucks his hands behind his back.

“It’s fine, Taek. I get it.” Hakyeon doesn’t look him in the eyes as he rushes out the restroom door, Taekwoon at his heels.

“Get what?” Hakyeon walks back to his place on set, ignoring Taekwoon and plastering that beautiful fake smile back on his face. Taekwoon wants to hurl a bottle at his head.

“We’ll start again.” The director calls and Taekwoon is forced back to his place beside Hongbin who seems to have had much better progress with Wonsik by the look on his face. When the interviewer is focused on another member, Taekwoon turns to Hongbin.

“What did Wonsik say?”

“About what?” Taekwoon fixes him with a hard look and Hongbin starts, remembering at the moment what Taekwoon asked him to do. He looks at Taekwoon with pouty lips and wide eyes, already trying to weaken him to his apology. “I’m sorry, hyung. I forgot to ask.”

Taekwoon sighs. “Useless. All of you.” Useless Wonsik and his useless mouth saying useless things. And useless Hakyeon saying more useless things and then running away when Taekwoon asks him to explain himself. Useless Hongbin forgetting to do what Taekwoon asked him to do. Useless Jaehwan and Sanghyuk for not even being around. Useless. All of them.

“You don’t mean that.” As he speaks, Hongbin rests his hand on Taekwoon’s thigh just a little too high to be deemed as friendly if picked up by the cameras. Meanwhile, Taekwoon tries not to run his hands over his face, because he knows that would only upset the makeup artists. But he’s so frustrated he’s definitely going to have to find a way to release the stress. And he decides that Hongbin is going to help him.

“Yes, I do.” Taekwoon chides before placing a hand on Hongbin’s neck, squeezing just hard enough to make him squirm in his seat.

 

* * *

 

Jaehwan wakes the members up with a kiss every morning. And every morning he looks forward to hovering over Wonsik’s lips until the feeling of being watched wakes up his target, and arms are pulling Jaehwan down, and their lips meet in tiny chaste pecks. Jaehwan keeps them shallow and clean because he knows how much Wonsik likes to cuddle and go too far in the mornings. Even so, Jaehwan still loves waking him up first.

After Wonsik, it’s Sanghyuk, of course, same room privileges and all. But if it was up to Jaehwan, he would leave him for last. Because Sanghyuk is all heavy limbs and harsh teeth and tight grips in the morning, so by the time Jaehwan gets to move on he’s always sore in one place or another.

Then there’s Hongbin who, ninety percent of the time, is always up before Jaehwan, always in some state of half-readiness. Hongbin prefaces his kisses with a hug, makes sure Jaehwan is all warm and cozy and massages anywhere Sanghyuk might’ve gotten to. Jaehwan likes coming to Hongbin just after he’s showered, when his skin is still sticky with heat and the smell of his body wash is the strongest. He’ll kiss up Hongbin’s neck, breathing in his scent, before tracing his jawline up to his cheek and finally his lips. While Hongbin stays, hands kneading wherever he’s decided they’re needed and making sure Jaehwan feels taken care of.

When Jaehwan leaves Hongbin, muscles relaxed and mind more awake, he makes his way to Taekwoon’s room, almost always certain that he will have to prepare to use excessive measures. There’s nothing more Taekwoon hates than having his sleep disturbed, but Jaehwan believes he’s mastered the perfect way to alleviate Taekwoon’s displeasure upon awakening. It comes in the form of deft hands teasing at exposed skin and strategically placed limbs that prevent any moving that Jaehwan won’t allow. So that when Taekwoon finally peeks his eyes open and becomes aware, the first thing he registers is how he’s caught, and his only escape will be to promise, with slow, lingering, sleepy kisses, that he’ll get out of bed as soon as Jaehwan lets him free. Which he does, for the most part, because if he doesn’t then Jaehwan won’t ever get to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon, like Hongbin, is always bright and bushy eyed by the time Jaehwan comes in to finish his rounds. Jaehwan himself too, is as awake as he’ll ever get before noon. So, usually he greets Hakyeon with words instead of physical touch. It’s nothing more than a simple greeting and a report on how everyone else is. Hakyeon is most often at his desk flipping through his planner and paperwork only a leader would have to deal with. And Jaehwan likes to fit himself onto Hakyeon’s thighs and nuzzle into his warmth before Hakyeon draws him in to his favorite kiss of the morning. Hakyeon’s kisses are the validation and intense affection that Jaehwan only needs, only desires from Hakyeon. And Hakyeon’s hands are the most secure in the way they hold Jaehwan against his body and eases out the tension in the way Hongbin can’t.

Except today, Hakyeon isn’t even in his room when Jaehwan peeks his head through the door. A lazy search finds him sprawled across the common room floor, hands working to highlight something in his planner. This is a first.

“Hakyeon?” Jaehwan only gets a hum in response.

“What are you doing here?” Jaehwan tries to rub the last bit of sleep out of his eyes because Wonsik wasn’t particularly cuddly today, and Sanghyuk didn’t roughhouse him. Hongbin was rushing into the shower when Jaehwan came, and Taekwoon was extra compliant. So, in other words, Jaehwan didn’t get the morning awakening he was so used to, and this is only going to add to his strange reality warp. He’s accustomed to one person being out of character, but not all of them. And especially not Hakyeon.

“I just felt like it this morning.” Hakyeon answers, still not looking up from his planner, and Jaehwan starts to feel a craving for attention nagging at the back of his mind. He goes to sit next to Hakyeon’s feet on the floor, wiggles his heels a little. But Hakyeon continues studying his calendar and Jaehwan isn’t used to vying for Hakyeon’s attention and affection. “Is everyone else awake?”

“Yes.” Jaehwan watches Hakyeon for a bit before stretching out beside him, stomach up so that he can see Hakyeon’s face. “Hak _yeon._ ” The whining slips into his voice partly because of his need and partly because he knows Hakyeon can’t refuse him then. But Hakyeon simply shifts to the left, putting more space between them before he looks at Jaehwan and raises a questioning eyebrow.

Jaehwan believes he’s an excellent reader of body language, but he doesn’t know what to do with the information his brain is trying to process as he leaves Hakyeon alone, without his good morning kiss.

All he can think is that there’s something wrong.

 

* * *

 

 

“Back already?” Bewildered, Hongbin pauses fixing the collar on his shirt and gives his full attention to Jaehwan, who’s standing in front of him again for some reason.  “You usually take longer with Hakyeon.”

“I think something’s wrong.” Jaehwan mumbles and Hongbin immediately knows this is serious because Jaehwan’s voice is normal, not at all played up. Hongbin also notices that he’s shaking slightly, so he moves to take hold of Jaehwan’s shoulders, anchor him in some way.

“Wrong?”

“With Hakyeon.” Jaehwan starts wringing his hands together in the way he does whenever he’s thinking too hard about something. “He didn’t kiss me this morning. He moved away.”

“Maybe it’s just a bad morning.” Hongbin runs his hands down Jaehwan’s arms to grab hold of his hands, bends a little so that he can catch Jaehwan’s eyes. He can see that Jaehwan’s already far into his own mind.

“He wasn’t in his room where he knows I normally go to find him. And he was on the floor in the common room like he was hiding.” Hongbin nods when Jaehwan takes a breath during his rambling, even though he isn’t sure Jaehwan is even looking at him. His eyes are unfocused and staring beyond Hongbin’s shoulders. It’s concerning. “And when I found him he moved away.”

Hongbin nods again, keeps nodding because he doesn’t know what’s the right thing to say in the moment. “He’s allowed to want some space, Jae.” He throws out, unsure. The others don’t usually come to him with things like this. And what if there really is something going on with Hakyeon? How is Hongbin supposed to fix it? He feels like that’s territory for Taekwoon and, well, Jaehwan.

“But he would just say so. He normally just says so.” Jaehwan’s shoulders tense and he nods once, as if he’s made up his mind. “No. There’s something wrong.”

Hongbin sighs, soundlessly so that Jaehwan won’t hear. “I’ll ask Taekwoon about it later. Okay?” Hongbin catches Jaehwan’s eyes again, squeezes his hands. Jaehwan makes a noise of agreement, low and not at all convincing. So, Hongbin does all he thinks he can at the moment and pulls Jaehwan fully into his arms. Only once Jaehwan has stopped shaking does Hongbin speak again.

“We have a schedule.” He kisses the top of Jaehwan’s head as he steps back. “You need to go get ready.”

Jaehwan nods and turns to leave, but Hongbin moves faster to catch him at the door. Hongbin kisses Jaehwan deeply, more urgent than their regular morning one. When they pull apart, Jaehwan blinks up at Hongbin.

With a slight pat on the butt, Hongbin pushes Jaehwan out the door.

“To make up for Hakyeon,” He says and Hongbin considers it a win that Jaehwan leaves smiling.

…

Hongbin doesn’t talk to Taekwoon about it. But in his defense, he really had set out to clear up the situation, but Wonsik is a terrible distraction. Yes, it’s all Wonsik’s fault and his shiny new toys he’s always parading around the dorm. How was Hongbin going to stand even a small chance against the new desktop gaming system Wonsik shuffled in with later that day. It had Hongbin’s name written all over it, and when Wonsik had presented it to him, well, Hongbin is weak-minded it seems.

But really, he did try, and you can’t blame him that it ended up slipping his mind completely.

It’s not until he’s resting in his heat box of a room about four days later that Hongbin remembers, sort of.

Hongbin’s state of semi-consciousness is disturbed to full awareness when he hears heavy footsteps entering his room and feels a weight settle on his bed. Hongbin takes stock of how much the bed has dipped and guesses who his visitor is before they actually speak.

“Has Hakyeon been acting weird to you lately?”

Hongbin opens his eyes when Sanghyuk starts to knead the muscles in his legs. He almost doesn’t want to speak, just lie here and let Sanghyuk massage all his pain away. “Lately?”

“Like the past month or so?”

“I don’t know.” Sanghyuk makes his way up to Hongbin’s thighs and Hongbin’s sure that he’s one press away from moaning aloud. “I haven’t really seen him around too much.”

“Well, I think there might be something wrong,” Sanghyuk has stopped his ministrations, his hand stilled atop Hongbin’s knee. His voice has acquired a seriousness that has Hongbin’s whine of protest dying in his throat.

 _Something wrong?_ Hongbin racks his brain for where he has heard that exact phrasing regarding Hakyeon recently and he curses softly, sitting up fully to face Sanghyuk.

“Actually, Jaehwan came to me a few days ago talking about something being wrong with Hakyeon.”

“What did you think?”

“I just told him I’d talk to Taekwoon about it.”

“Did you?”

Hongbin runs a hand through his hair, frustrated at himself for letting this get away from him. “No. I forgot.”

Sanghyuk squeezes Hongbin’s knee, causing him to wince. “Dammit.”

Hongbin takes Sanghyuk’s hand in his, if only to get him to stop attacking his kneecap. “You said a month? This has been going on for a month?”

Sanghyuk nods, dropping his head to his chest. “At least.”

“Fuck.”

 

* * *

 

The first day Wonsik goes 24 hours without being the recipient of Hakyeon’s overly-affectionate touches, he’s apprehensive. He thinks there must be some grand scheme in the works. The last time this happened, it was around his birthday and everyone had started to ignore him so that he would think they had forgotten. Of course, he’d found them out soon enough and everything went back to normal. Which meant at least one member always had their hands on him at one moment or other. And by “at least one member,” Wonsik really just means _one_ member. And by “one member,” Wonsik really just means _Hakyeon._

When weeks have passed, his apprehension morphs into elation. Something somewhere has finally gotten through to Hakyeon and Wonsik doesn’t have to keep bringing it up at inappropriate times and making a big spectacle of it. Even though he knows it upsets Hakyeon, even though he knows that it’s how Hakyeon shows how much he cares. Even though Wonsik gets stink eyes from the members when he pushes Hakyeon away for the nth time only to go cling to someone else instead.

Wonsik knows this isn’t how their relationship works, that this isn’t how he should go about dealing with things. Taekwoon tells him that if he just talked to Hakyeon about it then they could work things out. Together. Like they’re supposed to. It’s the importance of communication and all that.

Except Wonsik doesn’t know what he should even say. It doesn’t make sense why he cringes away from Hakyeon’s touch on some occasions and not others. It doesn’t make sense to him why, as Sanghyuk says, Wonsik gets to touch whomever whenever he wants but doesn’t extend that courtesy to Hakyeon. He also doesn’t get why it’s _only_ with Hakyeon that he does this.

So, he just chooses not to confront Hakyeon about it because Wonsik wouldn’t even know what to say and how would he even start. If he can’t understand it, how can he expect Hakyeon to?

“You sound stupid.” Wonsik whines when Taekwoon flicks his forehead and buries his face deeper into Taekwoon’s neck to avoid any more assaults. But also, because Taekwoon is warm and it’s easier for Wonsik to talk about his mistakes when he doesn’t have to look someone in the face. “And I bet you’re the reason that this is even happening.” Taekwoon continues, shifting on the bed so that Wonsik can fit better against his side.

“That what’s happening?” Wonsik fusses with his bottom lip, tightens his arms that are wrapped around Taekwoon. He doesn’t want to hear it’s all his fault.

“Do you even remember the last time Hakyeon has willingly touched you?”

“Uhm.” Wonsik knows that the fact he can’t think of anything off the top of his head means it’s been a long time. Too long.

“Exactly.” Wonsik feels a weight at the top of his head and shakes his head to get Taekwoon to massage his scalp. His long fingers working through the strands in exactly the way that Wonsik loves. “Neither do I.”

Wonsik feels a heat behind his eyes that means he’s about to cry and his voice wavers when he asks, “What do we do?”

“He’s obviously not going to say anything. Which means we will have to confront him about it.”

“Do you think he doesn’t want to be with –” _me,_ Wonsik wants to end with, but that’s too hard to say. “us anymore?”

 “That’s ridiculous.”

“But you said –” Taekwoon scoffs as if Wonsik’s worries are foolish. It doesn’t make him feel better, though.

“There’s a reason he’s separating himself, but I can assure you that’s not it.” Taekwoon gently pulls Wonsik’s face from its hiding place in his neck, so he can look him in the eyes. “Hakyeon loves us. _All_ of us.”

Wonsik nods because if there’s anyone he trusts most to tell him the ins and outs of Hakyeon, it’s Taekwoon.

“I love him, too.” And Wonsik means it. Has meant it for a long time.

Wonsik lets Taekwoon wipe at the tears that finally start to fall. “I know,” he says.

“I’ll fix it, Taek. I promise.”

Taekwoon shakes his head. “ _We’ll_ fix it.”

Wonsik curls back into Taekwoon’s side and decides he’s not going to dwell too much on the _how_ at the moment. They’ll figure something out, the five of them.

 

* * *

 

 

By day five, Hakyeon is ready to just give in, to tell the others what’s been bothering him. He’s such an advocate for communication, but it’s much harder when the topic is something he’s had nightmares of for as long as they’ve been doing this. Hakyeon doesn’t want to let the years to go to waste. But if the other members decide they don’t want to be with him anymore, then who is he to hold on to something already gone?

By day 12 of Hakyeon’s “make the members finally confess they don’t love me anymore” plan, he’s frustrated because none of them is acting like anything at all is different. Even when he hasn’t touched any of them in almost two weeks, save for Jaehwan’s morning kisses. But that’s more for Jaehwan than himself because Hakyeon knows how Jaehwan relies heavily on his routine. They all talk to him still, reach for him, it’s not like they’re avoiding him. But something just feels different. Hakyeon feels them pulling away and he wonders if it’s best that he gets away first. 

 _They’re just dense,_ Hakyeon thinks. Except he knows this already. It’s why he stresses just talking things out with each other in the first place. But if he can be a hypocrite about anything, this would be a good choice.

Day 18 comes and goes and Hakyeon is about ready to rip his hair out. He misses how Taekwoon’s long legs feel straddling his hips, how his nimble fingers caress his face before he leans in and whispers how much he loves Hakyeon against his lips. Hakyeon misses Jaehwan’s expertly timed distractions whenever Hakyeon has been drowning himself in script reading and coordinating with their managers, submitting plans to the CEO, just trying not to fall behind. Jaehwan always comes at the perfect time to help Hakyeon unwind, usually in the form of amateur massages and fruity drinks. It’s Hakyeon favorite way to relax now. His second favorite is probably with Wonsik, in his studio, listening to him curse at the screen for hours until Hakyeon decides enough is enough and takes his mind off melodies and mixing. But now he can’t have any of that because, well, he’s not sure if he’s allowed to anymore.

Day 24 finds Hakyeon crying in the shower, though not for the first time in the past three weeks. It’s hurts when he has to wake up at the break of dawn so he can leave before Jaehwan rises. It’s like a punch in the gut when he feels the need to leave the room because Hongbin and Sanghyuk are getting too comfy on the couch and Hakyeon is afraid for them to see how much he wants to join them, right in the middle like how it always was. But Hakyeon thinks everything has changed.

So, when on Day 31 Hakyeon loses it for the first time in front of one of them, it’s hardly a surprise to himself. He’s more impressed with the fact that he’s managed to keep it together for this long.

…

Hakyeon is on the couch watching a drama, a throw pillow clutched to his chest. It smells mostly like Wonsik with a tiny sprinkle of the cologne he brought Taekwoon a couple months back. It’s a testament to who sleeps in here the most. Wonsik because he’s always home late, Taekwoon because he’s too lazy to move to his own bed. Hakyeon brings the pillow to his face and takes a big whiff. Despite living under the same roof, he thinks it’s about as close to the two he’s been in a long time.

“What are you doing?” Hakyeon starts when he hears Hongbin’s voice, throws the pillow to the side and stares.

“Smelling the pillow.”

“Oh.” Hongbin shrugs and sits on the other end of the couch. _Not close_ , Hakyeon thinks, _of course_. “I thought maybe you were trying to suffocate yourself.” He says with a smile thrown in Hakyeon’s direction, but Hakyeon turns away, upset that it still pulls a reaction from him.

“Sitting up?”

“Not every method is the same. What are you watching?”

Hakyeon looks back at the tv, having forgotten it was even on. “I –” He thinks back to just a few moments ago when Hongbin wasn’t being a distraction to his lonely thoughts, and realizes he wasn’t paying attention even then. He was just moping over a pillow. “– don’t know.”

“Typical.” Hongbin stretches the word out for as long as it takes him to maneuver so that he’s now laying horizontal across the sofa, head placed unceremoniously in Hakyeon’s lap and eyes trained on the television.

It would be easy, so easy, for Hakyeon to just give in, to take his hand and brush Hongbin’s fringe just a little to the left so it’s out of his eyes. But the fear that it will make Hongbin uncomfortable is much bigger than Hakyeon’s want to feel Hongbin’s skin beneath his fingertips. So, as gracefully as he can, Hakyeon shifts so that Hongbin’s head falls off his lap and he stands, breath quickening when Hongbin glances up at him concerned, if also a little confused.

“Are you okay?” Hongbin starts to sit up slowly, hands reaching out for Hakyeon who jerks away. But that only makes Hongbin frown even more.

“I’m fine.”

“Hakyeon –”

“I’m _fine._ ” It’s all Hakyeon can manage not to just talk to Hongbin. To tell him that no, everything _isn’t_ fine and he’s losing his mind because he thinks he’s losing the five people he loves the most in the world. And no, it isn’t fine that he wants nothing more than to walk straight into Hongbin’s arms, let him take away all the doubt and sadness and pain. But Hakyeon’s room is just down the hall, and he thinks it’s better than the alternative of being pushed away. And his body is already halfway there, even if he’s leaving his heart just some little ways behind.

“Stop walking away!” Hongbin screams behind him and Hakyeon pauses. Hongbin rarely raises his voice in the dorms, and never at Hakyeon. But no, Hakyeon can’t stop because he feels himself falling apart and he’s not ready to talk about it. Not now. He hasn’t figured out his whole speech yet. But when he goes to take another step he feels a hand on his shoulder and Hongbin’s soft voice begging him. “Please.”

“I – I –” _Can’t. I can’t_.

“Please tell me what’s wrong. What’s _been_ wrong.”

“There’s nothing wrong.”

“Okay. But Hakyeon, you know you can talk to me, right? I mean, any of us. We love you.”

“No, you –”

“What’s going on?” Hakyeon spins around to see that not only Taekwoon has joined them in the hallway, but Wonsik as well. And it’s just perfect. Hakyeon already stood little chance against one, and now there’s three. But he’s already held out for so long, and his bedroom door is right in front of him. He just has to reach out and turn the knob, enter, and shut everything else out behind him.

“Nothing.” He says, for what feels like the millionth time today, except that’s not right. This conversation couldn’t have been going on for even two minutes yet.

“Hakyeon –” He watches Taekwoon wrap an arm protectively around Hongbin, wonders when Hongbin had even moved that far away from him. And for some reason it feels like a slap in the face.

“There’s nothing wrong! Okay? Nothing.” Hakyeon’s resolved himself, a hand already opening his bedroom door. All he has to do is step in, push this conversation off to another day. “Can you guys please just –”

“Is it because of me?”

Hakyeon stills. “What?”

“The reason you keep avoiding everyone. It’s because of me, isn’t it?”

“Wonsik –”

“Please tell me what I did so that I can apologize.” Hakyeon glances between the three of them, lets his eyes rest longest on Taekwoon before looking down at his hand, the one resting on his doorknob. Wonsik sounds so small, not anything like the strong, caring, resilient man Hakyeon’s watched him grow to become. Hakyeon hates he’s let it get this far.

“Shikkie, no. It wasn’t anything you did. I just – I just feel like you don’t want to be with me anymore. Any of you.” Hakyeon feels himself shaking at the confessions, at finally having said it out loud. With a stronger voice he continues, “Like, you don’t want me to touch you or kiss you or love you anymore. So, I thought –”

“That’s absolutely ridiculous” Taekwoon says at the same time Hongbin shakes his head profusely and repeats “No” like a mantra. Wonsik just stares back at Hakyeon, eyes wet but hard, like he’s trying hard not to cry. And, also like maybe he wants to punch Hakyeon.

Taekwoon’s fast to break the spell, moving to take Hakyeon by the shoulders and look him straight in the eyes. “Where did you even get that idea?” He whispers to Hakyeon, still loud enough for the others to hear, but low enough that Hakyeon knows Taekwoon isn’t upset with him, that this won’t be a screaming fight.

“Well. You all go around saying how much you hate when I touch you all the time.”

“Touch us _too much_ , Yeonnie.”

“Well, I didn’t think –”

“There’s always a line, hyung, but Christ.” Hongbin saunters forward, grabs one of Hakyeon’s hands and kisses his knuckles. “How could you possibly believe we wouldn’t want to be with you anymore?”

“I don’t know. I just had his feeling. It just seemed right,” Hakyeon catches Wonsik’s eyes further down the walkway. It looks like he’s been slowly backtracking. “that you all were starting to hate me.”

“ _Hate you?”_ Hongbin is nearly unhinged, Wonsik is still silent.

“Can we maybe move this conversation to the couch?” Taekwoon’s tone and the way he ushers both Hakyeon and Hongbin down the walkway makes Hakyeon think there wasn’t any room for argument. When Taekwoon grabs Wonsik’s hand on the way and pulls him along, Hakyeon realizes it was Taekwoon’s way of stopping his escape.

All of it makes Hakyeon feel slightly out of place and off-kilter. It’s usually his role to gather all the members together for a meeting, his role to think rationally and get everyone on the same page. It feels wrong, somehow, pushing it all off on Taekwoon just because Hakyeon couldn’t work up the courage to be the one to end it all.

Back in the common area, Hakyeon finds himself once again on the couch, clutching a pillow to his chest. He takes stock of everyone in the room and dread rises in his stomach when he thinks about having to do this all over again.

"Where's Jaeh and Hyuk?"

"They had some bet and Jaeh lost so he’s taking Sanghyuk out somewhere." Hongbin answers.

Taekwoon looks around the room as if it’s his first time really noticing that two of them weren’t here. "We can wait for them to get back?" He throws out expectantly. Except what good would that do, Hakyeon ponders, to just sit in silence when he can already tell at least Wonsik is near exploding at him.

"I mean, the cat's already out the bag. But I think, moving forward, it will be best with everyone here."

“Okay so we’ll just –” Whatever Taekwoon is about to suggest is interrupted by a single sob from Wonsik, where he’s sitting on the floor by Hongbin’s feet, head in his knees. And when he speaks, they all have to lean a little closer to hear what he’s saying.

"Please. Please, you can't leave us. I love you. We love you so much. I don't know what we would do -"

"Whoa, whoa. Shikkie wait.” Hakyeon lowers himself in front of Wonsik, rests his hands atop Wonsik’s arms wrapped around his legs. He’s shaking. Hakyeon feels like his palms are all that’s responsible for keeping Wonsik from breaking apart. “Calm down."

"He's not leaving. It was just a misunderstanding.” For the first time of the night, Taekwoon sounds unsure as he looks over Wonsik’s bowed head to Hakyeon. “You're not leaving us, right?"

"I guess, I'm not?” Hakyeon can’t keep the uncertainty out of his own voice as he flits his eyes around the room, not looking at anything or anyone in particular. “If you guys want me to stay? To keep being with you?"

"We never said otherwise." Hongbin’s smile looks like he left off the _idiot_ for Hakyeon’s benefit.

"Hakyeon, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I just say shit and I don't think how it affects you. Fuck, I'm sorry.” Wonsik finally looks up and his red eyes and earnest expression are just enough to convince Hakyeon. At least for now. “I love you so much"

"I know. I know, Wonsik. Thank you.” Hakyeon kisses his forehead and really smiles for the first time in what seems like forever. “Please stop crying, you know how I get when you cry." And it’s almost funny how, at the beginning of all this, Hakyeon was sure he’d be the one in need of intense comforting.

"Cha Hakyeon,” Taekwoon says, taking his hand and standing them both up. His free hand comes up to trace Hakyeon’s jawline, then holds it in place so that Hakyeon can’t look anywhere but in Taekwoon’s eyes. “You are the most beautiful, understanding, caring person I know. You're always there for us. I love you and I want to keep loving you. All of you. And I’m sorry for making you feel like that might not have been true." Hakyeon lets himself melt into the kiss that follows, soak in as much of it as he can because it’s been so long, too long. He almost thinks he’s dreaming.

Hongbin clears his throat. "Me too. What he said."

Hakyeon laughs behind his hand and damn near jumps on Hongbin on the couch, straddling him. “What he said?” He mocks, and before Hongbin can answer, Hakyeon wraps a hand around the back of his neck and pulls him nearer till their lips are close but not touching. “Kiss me.”

Hongbin complies before the words have even fully left Hakyeon’s mouth and it’s, gods it’s everything he wouldn’t let himself have for a whole month, and for what? He starved himself of affection only to find out he was wrong in his assumptions and that, yes, he should’ve just said something sooner. Much sooner, it seems, by the way Hongbin whines into his mouth, his fingers tight around Hakyeon’s waist. And somehow there’s also hands on his back and in his hair and it’s a bit overwhelming after going so long without.

Hakyeon pulls away and takes a breath. “Can we just –” He licks his lips, already wet and swollen, and climbs off Hongbin’s lap to sit beside him. He looks between all of them, Hongbin on his right and Wonsik and Taekwoon standing in front of them. He grabs them each by a hand and drags them to the couch, motions so that they know to sit. “I want to cuddle,” he says, getting a smile even out of Wonsik. That feels nice, being the one to make them all happy.

There’s barely enough room for the four of them, but Hakyeon is determined to make it work. He and Hongbin never turned off the tv from earlier, so they settle in to watch whatever drama rerun is playing.

Hakyeon doesn’t know how long it’s been since they’ve tangled themselves on the couch, but his legs are near asleep by the time the front door opens and Jaehwan and Sanghyuk walk in.

It takes a couple seconds for Hakyeon to make his way out of the web of limbs, but he’s made a beeline for the entrance before either Jaehwan or Sanghyuk have their shoes all the way off.

Jaehwan doesn’t have time for a greeting before he has an armful of Hakyeon, but his reaction is immediate, tightening his arms around him. Jaehwan looks up to the mass on the sofa and raises an eyebrow.

“Uhm? What did we miss?”


End file.
